walking on a one fine wire

2010-09-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Will my dad stop acting like a fucking bitch for one fucking time?

FML

2010-06-08T08:41:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for being there for me. I wouldn't have imagined what to do without you being my side. Although it hurts a tad, you made a way for me by making it go away. Who am I to question, who am I to ask for this. I just want to say, thank you so much. I really really appreciate it.

Been feeling empty these days. It's crazy, I know. Loneliness seeps through and you feel that you're at the lowest point of your life. Blame it on the hormones, I think. I know, I should count my blessings and all. In fact, I'm very thankful for where I am right now; just that reality punches you in the face sometimes.

There's a reward for being submissive. And there's always a price to pay for speaking up.

No, I'm not unhappy. I'm just feeling a little bit hollow inside. Sometimes I wonder, when will I start filling the empty space?

....can I?

2010-05-13T19:16:00.001-07:00

My father can so be so flipping unreasonable sometimes. SIGH

2010-05-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'm alone on a Saturday night :( And the fact that I'm stressing so much isn't much of a help either.

There are only 3 things that can me high :

1. Vodka and Bacardi

2. Good Trance Music

3. Saturdays

Well, its 4 items to be exact. I'm no longer that person who craved shopping anymore. My obsessions aren't that extreme. Maybe its temporal. Knowing me.

I sound so angry in this blog. I've said it previously. This place is my only place of refuge, where I can just vent my feelings freely.

Lets not wander any further.

Why are some people so judgemental? Just because I go clubbing, it doesn't mean that I spoil myself by drinking to the maximum and hook up with some random guys. I still stand firm on my beliefs. People say I'm horny because of that. People say I'm 'bad' because I enjoy clubbing. Honestly, what sense does it make for you to make such statement? The fact is that, I really love the surreal feeling. It's one of those rare occasions where I can fully indulge in. Its my little place of redemption. My main purpose of clubbing is to have a good time without worrying about reality. I enjoy the music a lot. To get so absorbed into it is a luxury. Music is a bridge where I can get myself detached from reality.

Is that really bad? I don't hook up randomly. Neither do I get myself involved in such inappropriate acts. Yet, why do people go around jumping into conclusions and start pointing fingers at me?

Right at this stage, I don't pretty much care. People can be hypocrites for all I care. It's not going to affect me. They can say all they want ;)

Aaaah. another angry post! Blehhhh. But there's a smiley lol haha

2010-05-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

He's 23 and he acts like a bitch/prick all the time. For fuck's sake, when are you going to grow up? You think you're smart and all that shit, but you're just an idiot after all. I'm even embarrassed to call you my brother. Good grief.

I sincerely hope that you'll grow up and think like a proper 23 year old. Instead of an asshole who only knows how to cause problems and trouble for EVERYONE.

Be a man. Not a prick!

2010-05-03T03:00:00.000-07:00

My brother can be a bloody prick, sometimes. No, its practically all the time. For all the insults he hurled at me, I'm gonna puke em on his face one day. And force him to swallow it.

2010-02-18T23:27:00.001-08:00

Some lecturers are real fucking assholes. Like mine. I still have to put up with his fucked up attitude and all that shit for another half a year. FML

2010-01-23T22:27:00.000-08:00

FUCK. PERIOD.

2010-01-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

how am i supposed to move on, knowing that your love has drifted away and you're not by my side anymore?

how am i suppose to carry on with life, thinking about you and our times together which will only remain as memories in my mind?

how can i forget about you when I've loved you so much?

don't tell me anything. don't speak. don't explain. cause it hurts way too much. i fell madly in love with you, but nothing was left at the end of our relationship.

you didn't really love me anyway. while i gave you my love, you gave me false hope. as much as it hurts, i carried on with those fake hopes, thinking that you'll soon get over it someday and you'll start to love and cherish me. i wished that you would return my love for you to me. i couldn't make you care about me. or at least be there for me when i needed you.

i couldn't make you love me. i couldn't make you mine.

i failed to believe that we're over. you knew i was such a fool for you, but did nothing. you told me you were confused, but i knew it all along that you didn't love me actually, you were just trying to get over the past. you said you tried loving me and that stings my heart so much to know that. i kept comforting myself with those sweet little lies you told me. i let my guards down, placed my hopes high because i wanted to sacrifice so much for you.

you finally made the decision to move on by retreating back to the past. to the person whom you couldn't actually get over with. i'm left with these ugly bruises and scars from a person who didn't really want me as a lover. i miss your hugs, i miss your face, i miss your voice and everything. it kills me inside whenever i see you. as much as i miss you, it becomes too painful for me to undertake when i see your face.

每一天，我会想到你。我的心真的受伤了。但是，我可以怎么做？我爱你太多了。我不能忘记你。我不能放弃你。。

你心里面没有我。。从来。你没有爱过我。。

2010-01-16T05:18:00.000-08:00

time's running out,

and i'm feeling so much worse

it feels so upsetting,

to know i'm in such a situation,

i can't lie,

i won't lie,

that i'm caught up in this mess.

as much as it hurts,

i just don't know how to handle it.

too much,

its just too much.

2010-01-16T01:21:00.000-08:00

it is a saturday and i am freaking out. i'm so stressed up to an extent that i've been blaming myself so much for every mistake i do. this feeling seriously sucks. i do hope there'll be a miracle, but i have to trust myself first. but there's absolutely no way i can do that. i'm just being realistic.

i'm scared :( why can't i be someone who i wished i was? no matter how many times i try to comfort myself, it is still the same. i end up being more unhappy with myself! sigh! it was only yesterday that i felt a slight tinge of relief but today everything was just topsy-turvy. i don't know how to deal with this situation. i really don't know how to deal with myself. i want to stop doubting but my principle of being realistic contradicts with it. if i don't trust myself, i know, i'll never be someone who i aspire to be. i'll be stuck with my old self forever. yet, i don't want to trust myself so much for fear that i'll fail again and my goals will all go to waste. to put it into simpler terms, i'm being realistic to protect myself from all the hurt and disappointment. there's always a risk for each decision. i really don't know what i should do.

i want to stop doubting! because that is the root of misery. and i'm currently feeling likewise. what am i to do? time's running out and i'm feeling so.. messed up. too much of complications. and what not.

right now, i'm feeling so angry of myself because of the fact that i'm always unable to deliver. the fact that i'm always so fragile and prone to so much of carelessness. i'm so careless all the time and every single mistake i make snowballs into a huge ball of problems that would hit me straight in the face. i'm pathetic cause i sound like i inflict this on my own. i can't control it :(

sigh.

help me to clear off such thoughts because it poisons me every time when i think of it:( why can't i be less of me, and more of you?

:(((((((((

2010-01-06T02:10:00.001-08:00

happy new year!

sighs. im so scared of 2010. 2009 was the same. it was a crap-filled year. i dunno what to say anymore. i don't want to be stuck in the past. or even in the future. or even the present. its starting to annoy me every single time. in whatever i do. i wished i could just... be a speck of dust. with little significance. so i can roam everywhere freely without being tied to pressure and STRESS. gosh.

i don't want to say FML. anymore. but there are just times where that word perfectly suits my situation. and that is now.

sighs

2010-01-06T02:06:00.001-08:00

i hope that my hormones are only making a fuss of it ; nothing more. i did a set of accounts paper and all i could say is i want to slap myself 128465934 times for being so careless in every single question.

WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? SIGH

i seriously do not know what is going on with me these days. quick to anger, prone to careless mistakes and what more? geez.

i think i seriously need to slap myself harder. or probably go starve myself! but it'll make me more angry and cranky. sighs.

GIVE ME SOME BRAIN JUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO DEPRIVED OF IT ESPECIALLY DURING THOSE TIMES WHERE I REALLY REALLY NEED IT SO BADLY!

damn it! >:

2009-11-08T04:31:00.000-08:00

just so you know, its so fucking annoying to have such shit-headed people living in the same house as you. it exasperates me so much till the extent that i just want to curse at all of them. i know its wrong, i know i'll be judged for my misdoings, but i can't help it. i am vindictive. i am like this. i am made to be revengeful towards stupid fucktards who love to annoy the shit out of me. worst of all, they're people whom people deem as 'closest to me'. i wished i could just ditch my studies, leave this house, move on to another country and live a life of my own. to do the things which i love, without being tied back to stupid rules, regulations and stupid expectations.

i just hate the way he talks, thinking that just because he's the head he can give all sorts of stupid shit comments which i really don't want to hear. coupled with some fucking comments from her, it all equals to shitty words and baseless conversations that i refuse to acknowledge and hear. both of them are such pretentious people, they diss me off when i curse or spill a word of profanity, yet they use it all the time in front of me. of course, who wouldn't retaliate in such situations? you're telling me its wrong to curse, yet you go around cursing too. doesn't that make you a hypocrite?

fuck all this shit that i've been facing for the entire 18 years of my life. i know i should count my blessings and i am not completely heartless because i do feel grateful for some little things. although i tell them that it's okay, deep down in my heart i'm playing the blame game. all along i've been saying that it's fine but i do secretly blame you for what has happened. being in such fucked up situations, i know that you are taking the most painful pinch; so do i. you say you are trying hard, but i don't see any efforts at all. you're still unable to provide a decent life for me. yes, call me spoilt brat or whatever shit. throughout the years i had a pretty decent life. and all because of your greed, your stupidity, all of us had to suffer this shit. i never once intended to be like this. you go around being a good Samaritan for stupid people who lie and cheat. even if it is beyond your capabilities, you would still do it for them.

but, have you ever done such things for us?

no. i have never seen. right now i'm going through one of the hardest times in my life and i hate to admit it. i feel very jealous in front of my friends who are born with the silver spoon in their mouth. they do not need to work for anything, yet they get the things they desire right in front of their eyes. sometimes i may be blinded by the materials in the world. yet, i have to slough like hell to just have a decent life where everything is just enough, meaning, my studies are secured, my finance's secured. enough to feed me for the day and i'm grateful. but right now, everything's at stake. i know i'm losing this every bit by bit. i hate the way how people would mock me for my actions.

if i could just run off to someplace where nobody knew me, i would certainly go right away. i'll grab my clothes, money, stuff into my luggage bag, take my iPod and laptop, IC and passport and run straight away. i would take my mobile phone along with a new number. i refuse to have any contact with them. i want to live in solitude. i want to live in a community where i am new, although i may not adapt to it. well at least i get to be on my own, without having people to bug me for just every single thing. if only i was that independent and capable. i know that this will be a figment of an unrealized dream.

i hate the way i live right now. and whatever i see invokes jealousy inside of me, and in the end i'll always be the one on the suffering end. i shield myself from this, yet they say i'm being narrow minded and stupid for not opening up my mind. so, am i being stupid to prevent myself from being hurt? it is worthwhile to open up my mind knowing that i'll suffer the most in the end? they don't know the answers. i do.

i know i'll be labelled as a black sheep no matter what circumstances. if i'm wrong, then let me be, because i don't know what kind of other ways that i can take to be right and happy at the same time.

let it out. let it all out.

2009-11-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

今天我不开心。不知道我在做什么。

有可能我真的没有天份。是吗？

有时候我觉得我根本不可以。。

我要相信我是可以的。。

但是。。我很痛苦。。

我一经受伤了。

很多人跟我讲。。你不可以放弃。你要加油。

可是。怎么加油呢？？

PS: 我才知道我的话语不错。哈哈。好久没有学了～！！

omg..i really have to take chinese lessons again! :)

2009-11-06T06:33:00.001-08:00

wahh i damn stressed wei. i just had my exams and it was

DISASTROUS LA. EXPECTED ALREADY.

diuu la. i damn sad okay, especially for business accounting. for sure miss agacia gonna **** my ass. if i pass..

i will not only be the happiest person. but i will be so happy that i will shave my head bald.

ok thats a lie. hahahhahahaahahah

=P

2009-11-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

First, I tasted some cheapskate smarties which tasted like cat vomit. I kept rinsing my mouth to no avail because the pukish taste kept lingering in my mouth. FFFFFUUUUU!!!

Second, my mommy was baking marble cake. There was remnant of the butter+sugar, which I'd always love to have a taste of. This time I did it again, of course, without hesitation. The taste tasted like dog vomit.

BECAUSE MY MOM USED MARGARINE WTF.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry man i feel damn stressed la okay!

stupid tvb dramas super addictive! with those bitchfights, its interesting, but it can really get on your nerves! those bitches are like based on real bitches in reality. of course i'm pissed la, though its for some crazy reasons. lol.

tnssssssssssssssssssss

omg gg.com its coach sneakers. priced at US $88. thats like rm260+.

double tnsssssss.

zzz -.-

2009-09-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

say whaaaaaaaat?

._.

that was my response when you tried to be sarcastic to me. or at least, i think. it is either you're trying too hard to be sarcastic or your hormones have gone overboard.

sheeesh.

i saw you crying in the morning and i didnt even approach because i was afraid that your tears would drown me and your red eyes would burn me.

no, honey. i don't wanna die early. life's loving me.

and so, when i texted you. because i wanted to know whether you were in the cafeteria. and of course, you didn't reply. i reckon you never knew that you could actually reply an sms. how fucking saddening. so, i walked to the cafeteria gingerly, thinking perhaps otherwise. and suddenly you appeared in front of my eyes saying,

'YES I AM IN THE CAFETERIA'

my response : DUH?!

i aint deaf, and i aint blind too. i don't know what shit you're facing and i truly understand how it feels to be in such a shitty situation. that was the main reason why i never wanted to bother you, cos i know that you might want to have some time alone. but that doesn't ultimately give you the upper hand to act as if the world's owing you and you can be rude to basically anyone. that's fucking immature. grow up, kid.

give me a splash of clarity, plz.

i helped you in so many ways in your studies because you're sucha fucking dimwit. you don't listen to lectures, you play with your damn phone and then you ask me what's happening because you didn't listen. look, it wasn't because you didn't listen. it was merely because you NEVER WANTED TO LISTEN.

and that's seriously irritating, yo. i have my things to deal with, too.

seriously, i hate to say this, but you're really dumb. a fucking dumb blonde trapped in an Asian. and all your girly mannerism pisses the shit outta me.

you're rich. and i'm OH SO FUCKING JEALOUSSSSSSSSSS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PRADA HANDBAG. but shit, it's a replica. and it's ugly. i'm not saying that the grapes are sour.. but I WOULD NEVER WANT TO HAVE A PEA SIZED BRAIN OF YOURS EVEN IF I HAD ALL THE RICHES IN THE WORLD.

hahahahhahhaa done!

2009-09-09T04:20:00.000-07:00

what the fuck is going on here? some people just have to argue and say some stupid shit to shut you up.

i have no fucking problems/issues to deal with. you're the fucker who needs to deal with your own fucking problems.

and to another you, just because you're so damn fucking close with you, you'll just support whatever shit that he speaks.

you know what? i don't care.

to hell with those who think i'm a problematic person, know what?

FUCK YOU. YOU'RE THE FUCKER WHO NEEDS TO DEAL WITH ALL THE FUCKING PROBLEMS. I'M PERFECTLY FINE. i don't need anyone to point fingers at me or play the blame game.

got an issue? look at the fucking mirror and eat your own shit man.

cos i don't give a damn anymore!

2009-08-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

As usual, this place is the norm of lashing out my dissatisfaction and all that shit that has been going in my life. I know, it is so damn fucking pathetic. I even disgust myself.

Even yesterday, I felt like a fucking whore because of that 5 seconds. And today, I felt literally like a piece of crap because I have to act as if nothing's happened.

I feel disgusted of myself. I think I've reached the lowest level of humanity, sad to say.

This feeling has to fucking go away before it overtakes my mind. DIUUUUUUUUUUU

2009-03-06T01:55:00.000-08:00

I'm so stressed up, I don't know how long I can take this anymore. Everyday gets tougher, and every second becomes a drag that I don't want to ever go through again. I'm depressed, angry and frustrated at things that I cannot change. Life's so crappy these days that I doubt whether I can continue living like this, despite the initial determination I had. But, why? I question ; but there are no answers, only more doubts, more frustration.

I'm human. There are certain things I can bear, and yet, there are certain things will eventually wear me out. I'm fed up, I'm just too annoyed with the situation right now. Initially I thought I could get over it, but then, living everyday, with unlucky (I presume) encounters, it only adds salt to the wound.

I'm going to rant it all out today. With profanity, because there are no other words that can describe my current fucked up situation I'm in now.

Why is my life so pathetic? Most of you think that I lead a pretty decent life, yes, pretty true, but there's definitely more than that.

Because one fucked up bastard ruined it, as simple as that, and I can't help but blame myself for all the shit that has happened. Poking fun, talking as if he is one hell of a great man, sometimes I wished I could seriously aim a gun on his empty head and tell him to fuck off and stop degrading me.

The blatant lies and the stupid shit that he comes up with are like poisonous candies. You think it tastes good, but when you have a taste of it, its literally choking you to death. It has only been 2 and a half months, and I am in fact embarrassed to say that this person here has no humility. He keeps degrading people, acting as if he has an upper hand, looking down and poking fun at innocent people.

It's so stupid, he inflicts himself with stupid excuses and blames it all on us WTF. It doesn't make sense at all, but perhaps only unsensible people like him can only come up with this old shit. Thanks to him (he must be smiling with glee) that he has left a deep impact in my life, a bad scar, that I will never forget. He definitely has issues, some issues that I don't think he would even solve in millenniums.

I can't take it, I'm just an ordinary person asking for an ordinary life after all. Is that too much to ask? If cursing brings bad karma to me, why would I bother doing that? It is because I hate him so much that I need some air to breathe.

The worse thing is, I can't avoid nor settle this shit. This matter isn't any Rubik Cube, its so complicated that I am already in this tangled mess. It is too late to regret or even ponder the questions. My life's practically in a total topsy-turvy mode, and the worse part is, seeing it getting worse without doing anything to make it better.

To that special person whom I 'adore' so much, I just want to say,
Stop playing with people's feelings, and stop fingering them. You think you are a hell of a great, but your stupidity will bring you down, more haters, more enemies. You act as if you don't care, you can laugh it off, but then, whatever you do will come around one day.

Its impossible to make me 'like' you, or even treat you as someone I would respect. You don't seem to respect, your actions are louder than words. So, I don't see a point for me to respect you.

I don't wanna have any relations with you. I don't want to talk to you except for official reasons.

Because you're simply a bastard, a prick who doesn't seem to understand and be considerate of other people's feelings. You're just self-centred, conceited and irritating.

Go on being like this, as far as I am concerned, it is none of my business. You want to continue being a fucker, then go ahead. Fuck off.

Done ranting.

2008-12-19T05:19:00.000-08:00

I've betrayed you once again. I failed to keep my promise, and I know, that I would have to pay for it someday. I wasn't oblivious to the whole thing, but I couldn't help myself from these sins and desires. I didn't feel sorry at all, honestly, though I know that what goes around comes around. I guess you existence at this moment provokes sparks of irritation inside of me.

Perhaps I was jealous of you.

Perhaps I hated you.

You don't know it.. because you don't feel it, and I really do hope that it'll remain like this forever, because I've finally come to 4 realizations;

1. This relationship wasn't even supposed to be started in the first place.
2. Nothing lasts forever.
3. Intimacy between humans are temporal.
4. I gave in more than I was supposed to.

I'll wish you well, but deep down in my heart, its a whole different story.

2008-12-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

It happened again.

Fuck you.

2008-12-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

Why does my heart hurt?

2008-09-26T02:02:00.000-07:00

I have a fetish. No, not that fetish. Its a rather different fetish for something.

YES I AM A SUPERFICIAL GIRL BUT I AM NOT A DUMB BLOND.

And I am so proud tot ell you that I am obsessed with fashion, cosmetics, perfumes and all the girly stuff. I have that idiosyncrasy, which I was proudly born with it - I love having collections. Be it, cosmetics, accessories, novels and ya dah ya dah. I am totally in love with it.

All of a sudden, I'm feeling that rush. That sudden urge to shop. Unfortunately, I don not have the time to do so. Insufficient sleep is bugging me, but I have no choice but to live with it. Never mind.

As much as I adore cosmetics, I would still consider myself as a total dimwit in make-up. I love browsing through all kinds of styles and looks, but I don't know how to apply them. Perhaps I am still an amateur, and I wasn't exposed to make-up at a very young age, like, 13 years old. that superficial LAHH. I only started to realise the importance of make-up, probably at the tender age of sixteen. Oh sweet sixteen. But heck, I never went to that extend that I spent my entire parents' money or put my house to mortgage loans just to buy make-ups and add them to my collection at the same time. And of course, make up is about drawing attention to your face assets, and beautifying it, definitely not an alternative to conceal your flaws.

It should be subtle, or if you're daring enough, go for the funky or bold style, with a limit of course. Too much of a good thing can be bad. Plastering your face with loads of foundation will only make you look errrr, mouldy and cake-y. ECH. Applying dark eyeshadows without blending it is a turn-off. ECH. Over-the-top styles are only meant for the runway, though. And also, just because it looks good on others it may not necessarily mean it'll look perfect on you. The trick is to experiment, do more research, watch more make-up tutorials on the net. Simple.

I love MAC, cos its bold. I love their colours, collections and etc.

I love Bobbi Brown, cos its subtle and simple.

I love Benefit cos its funky and its mellow and sweet.

I love Stila because its cute and girly.

But heyyyyy, for every good thing there are always pros and cons.

SIGH. DREAD ALL YOU WANT. LIFE'S LIKE THAT. DEAL WITH IT, PEOPLE.

Be prepared to put on your Fendi sunglasses, dressed in your Miu Miu dress, with your Manolo heels, accessorized with perfect diamonds on your neck and your finger, accompanied with a Louis Vuitton handbag if you want to have proper treatment at XXX counters.

Or else. Be prepared to be ignored and left aside.

SOUNDS, UGLY RIGHT? It is. XXX (make-up brand la, no need to mention) promoters (I do not refer them as make-up artists because their attitude clearly does not depict that) are famous for being rude and harsh. I am superficial. They are superficial, too. But they are being superficial for a bad reason. Do they have to give different treatments to different classes of people? HECK, they're your customers after all. So stop showing your stupid black faces. Freaks.

So, you may question, what do they do, actually?

They chat and gossip with their colleagues at the counters. Or look at the freaking mirror and plaster their faces with make-up. Perhaps glaring at you and being rude when you ask for assistance.

XXX and their lackadaisical attitude of promoters.

MAC (highlight to read) have such wonderful collections, but their promoters are acting like goddesses who have upper hands to treat customers differently and unequally.

You know, sometimes having the best skills is not the ultimate priority. Manners and etiquette are as equal as important as skills, too.

Oh dear, don't make me despise you, darling. I still love you despite of who you are. I'm being neutral at the moment, but I'm clearly uncertain whether it'll happen to me, because it did happen to a couple of my friends. And of course, I don't want to mean to you, because I still adore you.

Don't be such dimwits, okay? :D

2008-09-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

I AM GOING TO SIT FOR MY EXAMS IN APPROXIMATELY 72 HOURS TIME. YEAY. SCREW THAT PANIC ATTACK.

I need to unwind, really! Hope everything turns out right :X cos if not, I'll be in hot soup.

Some bloody fucker wiped off my entire assignment, and how the fuck am I going to complete it. Some people are such assholes, I tell you. I don't give a fucking damn who the hell are you, all I know is that you didn't even a utter a word of apology. Fuck you dude. Seriously. I don't care whether your grandmother is the fucking queen. You're stupid. And your actions proved that you were even more stupid-er than ever.

And now I'm thinking how the hell I'm going to complete my assignment in one fucking day? The dateline is on Monday, and my exams are on Monday, too. WTF. DIE LA DIE LA.

SCREW YOU LAH. I don't understand why the hell you have to be so itchy-handed that you must touch everything which is within your sight. Can't you just back off and leave my stuff alone. You're not doing anything good to me. You're spoiling and ruining practically everything. For the fucking 103rd time your stupidity is pissing the shit out of me. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME.

For the first time I was oh-so-happy as I poured out my efforts in this assignment. I did not procrastinate. Not at all. Simply because I wanted to have more time to concentrate on my studies. BUT OH, LOOK, WHAT HAPPENED???!?!?

I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO COMPLETE MY FREAKING ASSIGNMENT LAH, DUH! THANKS TO YOU. AND CONDOLENCES TO ME. BECAUSE I HAVE TO NEGLECT MY STUDIES. ITS NOT LIKE ITS SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO. SO DON'T FUCKING POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME FOR WHATEVER RESULTS IN MY FINALS. YOU WERE THE CAUSE OF IT. SO SHUT UP, AND I'LL SHUT UP TOO.

I have absolutely no idea with what you did to reason why you shouldn't apologise. There was no excuse that you should no apologise, in fact. If only you said sorry, things wouldn't have been this terrible, and I wouldn't be so fired up.

The worst thing you did was that you denied when I caught you red-handed. Now, how the fuck am I suppose to calm down? You gave me that atupis cold look of yours, and it really pissed me off. Be considerate for one time, ok.
You know my habit of writing journals and saving them in my laptop, yet you still choose to defy me and you constantly invaded my privacy by reading my journals without my permission. Now, how the fuck am I suppose to be patient?

NOW WHAT BENEFIT WOULD I OBTAIN BY CURSING YOU? ITS NOT GOING TO BRING BACK MY ENTIRE ASSIGNMENT. ITS NOT LIKE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING TO HELP ME OUT. WELL, THE BEST THING YOU COULD ACTUALLY DO IS STAY OUT FROM MY SIGHT FOR SOMETIME BEFORE
YOU REAPPEAR AND HAUNT ME AGAIN.

I tried all the ways to manage my anger, but to no avail(?) I guess I need to nap for a while and then wake up half an hour later to complete my entire assignment. It's stupid, because I have to pay for what you have done. This time I guess it'll be
slightly different than the first. I reckon that this one will not be good as the first becausse how could I possibly remember everything? I'll have to try my best to recall though.
However, I still do not think that I am able to finish this in one night.

AND WHAT MORE, MY STUDIES? TEACH ME TO MANAGE MY TIME, PLEASE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT. I DON'T HAVE TIME. SERIOUSLY. GUESS I'LL BE SLEEP DEPRIVED FOR THE WEEK. SHUCKS.

SCREW YOU FOR YOUR STUPIDITY. GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-04T03:32:00.000-07:00

It's only the fourth day of the week, and I'm feeling super distressed. So fucking annoyed with basically everything. No, it isn't any case of PMS, honey. Its just that some people can't fucking leave me alone, they just have to pick on me and see me blow my temper, and they are the one laughing in the end, while I am nothing but a laughing stock. Fuck those people off, seriously. I'm already so bloody stressed out with finals and my life and these people just have to sandwich me between them and pick on me as if I kidnapped their family members.

And when I blow up, they think its funny they still continue to laugh, not knowing that its super duper irritating and it pisses the shit out of me. Ha Ha Ha. Kiss my ass.

Earaches coming back once again, and it might probably be an infection. Fuck. I have no time to head to the doctor at all. I'm rushing to complete practically all my assignments and revising my notes for my finals as it is creeping up day by day. Bah.

Why is that people have to annoy me and push me to the edge especially when I'm having the blues? Is it some kind of funny routine and habit that everyone does? It's not funny. And it's not considerate. My ear hurts like fuck and I'm so stressed up inside, and they just poke fun at you because it's fun and exciting. Fuck off, people. I have no time for nonsense like this.

Leave me alone, you dimwits. I just need equal time on my own.

AAAARRRGGGHHHH. Definitely feels like shit tonight.

2008-08-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

I know he feels more for her rather than me. I'm different from her. Somehow it puzzles me, because we claim that there's purely nothing between us, but I refuse to believe it. I felt the slightest spark of attraction between us. Was it me, only? I could feel that you felt it, too.

Was it my imagination? Maybe it was. I cannot comprehend it. I could only watch you from afar, pretending to be ignorant about you. We were so close back then, but now, we're merely strangers. Nothing more than that. I don't want you to hear my voice. I want to stay unheard, because I've had enough of uncertainties.

I think I gave in more than you did. You said you treated me like a sister, while I gave in more than I ever expected. I gave you a whole lot more love, but in the end, it never returned back. Time's running out.. I don't have much time left because we are parting for our own ways very soon.

I really hoped that we could be more than what we are right now. We don't have time. I have uncertainties running in my head, and I'm torn between decisions and my rationality. I hated that fact that I gave in more than you did.

Maybe you have moved on, and I'm still stuck at my same spot. I refuse to move on because I kept the faith and continued to believe that we could work everything out. But.. days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. And months turned to years. So much of things had changed, and I began to realize that I'm pursuing something absurd.. something frivolous.

It all seemed that I was actually living a lie all these while. Living in denial, in this case of one-sided.. infatuation.

I kept believing.. and that actually ruined a part of me.

Now, I have no choice but to pick up the bits and pieces of something that has broken. Something that seemed so insignificant.

I don't want to drown myself in tears, or alcohol. I don't want to do this anymore. Everytime I walk out of the door, I screech to a halt, because I want to look back.

But I have to let go...

2008-08-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

Why is my sight flooded with stupid annoying people? I hop on blogs and so happen I stumbled on journals which are such a bore with no substance. Yeah, stupid blogs with people telling the world that they're dying and also people they hate with all those ridiculous stories and lies. I find it absolutely absurd lah. I mean, yeah, I agree that blogging is the best way to pour out your feelings, but you don't have to go to an extend where you need to tell the whole world who you hate and what made you hate him/her. Thats.. immature and revolting at the same time. But yeah, I don't owe the internet so they too have their own rights of speaking their heart out, but sometimes these childish acts are such an eye-sore, and you can't help but roll your eyes and exclaim 'This is just..another blog after all." Nothing much of a deal, anyway.

Lack up updates, again. BLAME IT ON MY LACKADAISICAL ATTITUDE DAMN IT. I keep saving drafts but in the end I post nothing. And this time, I managed to post something, at least. Woohooo PEWIITTT. Sigh.. shopping pangs strike again. It's not good. It ain't doing good to me! Greed..greed.. and GREED!!!! I bought a top from MNG and short pants from Padini but where got enough?!?!

OMG. I totally cannot tahan lah plastic girls getting all kinky in shopping malls. What a sight. Pagi-pagi pun dah nampak benda macam nih. So I blast my ipod on with Trance music. Not techno lah, I benci techno. Got difference one eh. I kind of miss going clubbing lah. With Amanda, Rene, Daniella, Alia.

I really need a break lo. Finals are bothering me until I wanna jump off the building. It was one month ago where I had a vacation in London. And now, I'm back to college, catching up with my studies cos I really want to pass my finals lah. If possible I wanna visit some islands at the end of this year. Tak tau larr whether this plan can be materialized or not.

This post pretty much sums up my heart's contents. Blaaaa.

I don't know why, but I constantly feel that I'm living a lie.

I need an explanation.

2008-07-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's London baby. It was a hell of fun and also frustration. (grrrr, not saying it!) Nonetheless I really enjoyed this trip. I'm sure mom, dad, Dan and Aaron did too :)

The flight took about 12 hours++ and the entire journey was gruelling I tell you. I kept walking aimlessly in the plane because I had pins and needles on my legs. Not to mention that I was a little bit crummy on that day because I only realised that I forgotten to bring some stuffs when I was in the plane. What do you expect lar, last minute packing. I just grabbed everything, chunked it into my baggage, zipped it and locked it. But then, that didn't really ruin my entire trip lah :)

We went to Trafalgar's square, westminister abbey and mostly some tourist attractions around London. And, I had jetlag! GMT+0 mar, so I was sleepy and bersemangat at the wrong time. SWTTTTT! Only for the few days lah. Thankfully. I'm not going to post a whole load of pictures lar, I'm going to highlight a few places that I really liked.

This is Westminister Abbey. So ancient and so historical. I kept 'WAHHHH-ing' at the building. Such a beautiful church. It was actually a monastery you know, and it had so many history chronicles behind this place. I was impressed like OMGITSSOFREAKINGLYAWESOME.

This is the place we stayed. Renaissance Chancery Court Hotel situated in Holborn. It's a five star hotel and I really liked the outer design and also the interior one. The interior design.. was traditional and modern at the same time. It showed modernity with a sense of traditional touch. The afternoon tea was super duper sinful. So much of butter, jams, scones, cupcakes, etc. But it really burned a hole in our pocket lorrr. Heartbreaking. It costed around 36 pounds lar, which is equivalent to about 300 ringgit. GUILTY GILER...NAK NANGIS DAH. lol

Big Ben of London :)

Victoria Station. I love to see the pretty little red buses in and out. And also the interior of the station is so huge. It's fun to travel by train, in my opinion. Because you get to experience the life as a commoner in that country. So, yeah. Interesting!

Hahah. I can't list down the places I visited with my family entirely la. But I shall end this with a grand finale of...

FOOD! That will make your tummy growl. Ah. I miss the food, dearly.

Pie and mash at M Manze's. At Sutton. Its beef pie with mashed potatos and parsley gravy. Seriously good! I had two servings because it tasted so good. It costed us about 2.70 pounds each, so i guess its around 130 ringgit here. GUILT AGAIN. lol!

The finale - Jam Poly Roly. Its actually a pudding with raspberry jam, together with custard. I know, it doesnt look really appealing here, but looks are deceiving you know. For me, its a wee too sweet but my parents seem to love it to bits. So as a filial daughter, I sacrificed my share for them :)

So now you know where the cartoon Rollie Ollie Pollie comes from... :)

This is Coffee Republic. My first thought : One republic, no? WTH. This place serves good toffee coffee, toffee muffins, etc. That gave me my daily dosage of happy hormones. In excess.

This thing costs 3 pounds = 20 ringgit, which means, 5 ringgit for one badge. Screamsssssssssss.

WHATEVER! LIKE WTF RIGHT.

As usual again, jetlag.. but I'm going to browse through all the pictures again. I'll miss you, London. So homely!

2008-07-09T01:38:00.000-07:00

My mom's Manolo Blahnik Sedaraby shoes =) The desiderata for heels. ELECTRIFYING. I'm so proud of my mom. DUH. WHO YER DAUGHTER IS? :P

College is such a bore these days with all the tests, tests and more tests. Not like my life's kinda happening, at the moment. Regarding my previous post, you can just ignore it because that was just some emotional fume. It's nothing serious, so I'm perfectly fine with it.

Phyllis asked me whether I wanted to go for Cheer 2008, and yes, I declined her. Frankly, I'm not into cheerleading. I don't know why. Probably 8 out 10 girls out there whom I know are interested in cheerleading, for instance, Daniella, Phyllis and the rest of them la.

I'm not trying to stereotype any cheerleaders, okay, but I can't help but they all share some common things, which consist of :

1. Cheerleaders love posting their camwhored (flying kisses, etc) pictures in their blogs.
2. They love posting their pretty things (clothes, makeups)
3. Their favourite hangout place - Forever 21, Miss Selfridge.
4. They watch Gossip Girl and worship it like OMGTHATISSOWESOME.

No hard feelings, girls. I'm not stereotyping, I'm merely listing out the common things that I've observed for quite some time. So.. don't bitch about me in your own respective blogs, yo. I am not qualified for publicity, yet. I know, I admit that I actually do some of things that I've previously mentioned above, which makes me, uhm, yeah, superficial. I am, in a way. TAT-A-TAT.

Did I tell you that I had an argument with Keevan? Stupid son of a gun.

"Meesha (his sister), why did you mess up my stuff? Didn't I tell you to stop playing with my stuff. It's all ruined. You damn stupid dog!"
"Eh, chill, Keevan. How can shout at your sister and call her a dog in front of everybody?"
"She messed up my stuff, and I am her brother, so I deserve to scold her"
"HEY! She's already crying there, you're just making things worse. If she has done something wrong, then point it out to her (not in public, of course!) and make sure she doesn't repeat again. This is her first time, not like you're some heavenly angel who is free of sins!"
"This is my business lah, not yours okay"
"Eh, f*cker, you are super l*n d*u man. You know why she'a stupid dog? Because she has a stupid brother who doesn't even take care of her. The name 'brother' doesn't suit you, that status is too honourable and high for you. You should be named bastard, instead"

And then I showed him my middle finger and asked him to f*ck yourself, without hesitation.

Edit: To VanishaYES, I AM A FOUL-MOUTHED GIRL. SO WHAT? STOP THOSE BLATANT LIES SAYING THAT PROFANITY WILL ONLY DEGRADE YOURSELF. FIRST AND FOREMOST, WHATEVER I SAY IS NOT FOR YOU TO JUDGE, SO DON'T EVER JUDGE ME HASTILY. I BET YOU WERE JUST SAYING THOSE STUPID STATEMENTS JUST TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD. AND NOW, WHO'S LYING, EH? AT LEAST I'M NOT BEING PRETENTIOUS LIKE SOME BITCHES OUT THERE TRYING TO WOO GUYS WITH THEIR OH-SO-GOOD IMAGE.

I'm done. Not feeling too well.

2008-07-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

I could only hear the sound coming from the television, and nothing more. The atmosphere is quite cold, as I would describe it.

Few hours ago, mum and dad quarreled. A bit of arguing here and there sparked a quarrel, and then, a verbal fight. Those words are still ringing in my head, and I felt like burying my head in pillows to stop listening. To be frank with you, my parents' relationship was just on the so-so side. More of the arguments and I sort of got fed up with them.

I don't blame them, seriously. Its their life, and I truly respect them. And of course, their decisions as well. They weren't on good terms when I was fourteen, approximately 4 years ago. Would you say that their marriage is on the rocks? Not really, not close to that extend, but the thought of divorce came to my mind everytime when they argue about something. And so, I thought. What about me and my siblings? Can we cope ourselves? Soon, they reconciled, and things were back to normal again. So, I thought - okay, this is nothing. I was being too sensitive, anyway.

And now, me, seventeen going on eighteen, the cycle repeated again. How serious it is, I may not know, but the thought of my parents going separate ways never fail to flood my mind. I'm seventeen right now, so I guess I'm more mature than before, so I'm quite mentally prepared for it. I understand the root of the problem, so it wouldn't leave a rather deep scar in my life, maybe a slight scar. It would have been worse if this happened when I was way younger, because I was still naive and innocent, and to embrace changes, are kind of alien. I got intimidated.

I wonder, how long can mum put up with dad's egoistic chauvinistic attitude? Neither could I - it gets pretty exasperating when I'm in a conversation with him. We do see eye to eye, but not often. He claims that she's stubborn, and she takes things too seriously. And she says that he's being unreasonable and inconsiderate.

Despite of what is happening around me, I still view marriage as something positive, and definitely not something negative. But after all, I don't have the urge to tie the knot one day. Perhaps I've seen to much of the negative side of marriage. I know, marriage isn't scary at all. Not even a teeny bit. But, I guess I'm exposed more to the bad side instead of the good side. From my perspective, marriage isn't succumbing yourself to do's and don'ts. Marriage is a deeper level of a relationship.

I can't exactly picture what I feel, at the moment. Of course, every girl has their dream of meeting their knight in shining armour one day, even I myself, too. I'm open about relationships, and I have nothing against them, but I guess I'm still not ready to go into marriage. I'm saying it generally, when I'm older then. Because I may not be able to handle marriage, because it's a big thing, and of course, big power comes with big responsibilities. Too much to handle, in my opinion. I still choose to respect my boundaries, though.

I cannot deny the fact that I worry constantly about my future. I need to learn to be independent somehow, whether it's in a harsh way or not. Because in the end, you can't expect everything to go as you like.

And of course, with all the shitty people revolving around you, it's hard to actually see the light. Maybe one day you'll bond yourself to them, subconsciously. Oh man.

TOUCH WOOD.

2008-07-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

I usually keep silent when I'm feeling distressed, or when sorrow overwhelms me. Even a tad of it could linger all day long, leaving me feeling all so ho-hum. I believe that, I'm just going through another hurdle, that everyone in the world has possibly gone through this before. I have mixed feelings inside me, they're all mixed into something that I cannot sort it out myself.

It's all tangled up in me.

Too complicated.

I want to cuss everything out, and yet I want to just wrap myself up in my blanket and cry. I can't help but feel hopeless, and the only alternative to curb this to just stop and stare?

I feel troubled. Not because of love or studies (it's partly because of that I admit).

But, the little things. It may not seem significant, but yet, the little things are hurting me in a way, that I could only stop and stare. I'm sorry if this post is nothing but depressed scribblings of a 17 year old schoolgirl who's battling with her inner self.

There isn't much time left, and I don't know where I am heading to because it seems that I have not moved at all. Not even an inch. I question myself, countless times, am I at the end of the race or perhaps I am being delusional about it all along and I only got to realize that I am still at the starting? It hurts me to know, and I don't seem to know, at all.

Life crashes down on you and gives you a splash of acid on your face. Ouch. When you are confused, lost and unconfident, everything seems to crash down on you on that very split second. I try, to understand the root of all the happenings, and I am wondering, what, how, where, when. I cry, of course, when I feel that I've had enough of life, but I still choose to trust myself again, that my tears will dry on its own.

Seriously.. I don't know whether I can keep running. At this moment, I'm drained out, mentally and physically. I need the strength to continue this. I can't play along, anymore. All I need is something to quench my thirst, and recharge my strength.

Yeah, perhaps an isotonic drink would do, but then again, I need an oasis. Badly.

2008-06-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

It is barely 3 days of the week but I'm already feeling so tired, due to the sleepless nights, all because of Ms. Kendra lor, she gave us like one pile of assignments, and I had to complete it the whole night, with only 3 hours of sleep daily. Now, I could feel that I'm going to get sick soon, very soon, got a bit of a sore throat and mild flu. DAMN IT.

I tell you ah, this assignment thing really cheesed me off lor, because it's a group work kind of thing, and I'm stuck in a group with 3 aliens who are just plain irresponsible. Ella was in the other group with Ji Sheng they all, lucky you. And I'm stuck with these people, I wonder who arrange all these group thing lah? I sound so angry, like practically all the time, haha, but you can't blame me. Just a few more days and it'll end. And bye bye. Sayonara. 再見. Nothing to do with me already. Haha.

First incident, we were divided to do our own specific tasks lah, so we decided to meet up somewhere to discuss. Guess what, only 1 person came, the others either ditched us or either died, and left the whole work to do, with their stupid excuses that 'Oh I'm sorry I cannot make it, I've got stuff to do' DUMB FARK MAN! You should call us lar, and not we call you. Ok, fine la. We do what we can do, anyway.

Second incident, I don't know whether some people are really forgetful or just pretending. 'Oh I think I left it at home, sorry ah' HEY! DEADLINE IS JUST 2 DAYS AND YOU FORGET TO BRING AH? I don't care if you wanna screw up your studies, but the thing is, we're in the same group, SAME BOAT. YOU SCREW UP YOURS, I'LL SCREW UP MINE TOO. Thirdly, most of tasks were done by me and Y. I don't wanna mention names lah, but I guess you people tahu la. The rest are just leeches, they just take whatever they need without doing their tasks. %^*%$);'.9^(*%5476()

Fine. All I want to do is to finish this thing as soon as possible and pay my sleep debt.

Oh yeah, you know right, the format of each post in blog contemplates with some pictures, at least my blog won't be just words la. Good things must be shared, anyway :D

Nampak sedap, right? WOAHHH. The warm fuzzy chocolate sauce overflows, together with the Vanilla icecream. So warm, sweet, soft and rich. That headless girl kat belakang kecoh je, she wasn't suppose to be in the picture. A magical moment in Delicious Bangsar Village 2.

Then I headed back to college, with a happy stomach. Heheheh :D

2008-05-31T22:31:00.000-07:00

My head is throbbing right now as if there's a bulldozer inside, and I feel so lethargic, fatigue and dehydrated.

I had a bad hangover this morning. Came home at 2am, dropped dead on the bed without removing my makeup, I know, its a sin, but then again, whatever saje lahh. Woke up, had a terrible headache and it was such a dread to get the hell out of the bed. Quickly took a cup of ginger tea, as much I hate it I forced myself to gulp everything down, and ginger is the BOMB YO. It does wonders. Feeling much better, but the headache won't seem to subside.

I went out for 19 hours yesterday, YO. Headed to Will's place at 8am to have breakfast, then off we headed to KLCC to loiter, okay, probably not loiter, but to err, hang out. KLCC was loaded with so many people, but what to do lah, its the holiday season, so its pretty ordinary to see large crowds in KLCC. And you know, it is IMPOSSIBLE (for me la) to be empty handed in a mall. Those blingies (not diamonds) catch my eye, as if they exude some kind of light that makes my eyes glisten and sparkle, baby. And so, I got myself two stuff. Two only lah, so don't grumble grumble all.

*JENG JENG JENG*

Escada Moon Sparkle. The packaging is so colourful and pleasing to the eye, and the bottle is just too pretty lah. Tak sampai hati nak buang the bottle lah, so I will definitely keep it :D

And this lipgloss la. Nothing much actually, haha, I know I take too many pictures, but its fun. Can't deny that, though it can be really troublesome to pluck in the cables in this obsolete gadget of mine.

Joanna called Will whether he wanted to hang out tonight, so he agreed la. I wasn't that thickfaced to tag along like Ella alright, Joanna sms-ed me too okay, so I had an invitation, mind you, people. No misunderstandings please :) Rushed back home at 7.30pm to get ready, as I had only 1 hour to dress up. That babi lah, ish. One hour to dress up, where can?! Shower, blow hair, pick dress, shoes, accesories, bag, spray perfume, put makeup, where got time? o.O But anyhow I managed to do it :)

Had a bit of Absolut Vodka and then I curi some sip from some people's gin and tonic. The night was okay lar, but I don't know why I got intoxicated, maybe slightly.

Maybe the Vodka was too good la, kept drinking until lost count of how much I drank, plus with other drinks, hahaha. Then, headed back home, and slept because I felt so heavy.

Parents are out at the moment, and I'm left alone (again) with Aaron, and he's absofuckingly pissing the shit out of me everytime I talk to him. I don't give a fuck about him seriously, so what if I'm being cold to him? He thinks he's right all the time because whenever we talk, he would be the first one to spark a quarrel and he places the blame on me although he is in the wrong. Fucked up, I tell you la. I don't care about it anymore. His birthday is around the corner, and I am not spending a single cent on him, because since he's so conceited, superficial and self-centered, I choose not to interfere with his oh-so-fabulous life.

I'm just being patient, keeping my cool not to even yell at him or tell him to fuck off for the rest of my life. So, I choose to ignore him. IGNORE. Whatever.

PS: There will be classes every day for next week, which means, no rest, like WTF.

2008-05-27T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm free today, no college, woohoo!

~~It's more like I ponteng-ed college. Malas nak layan la if I kena barred. WHATEVER SAJE LAH!~~

*flings hair*

I took that picture sometime ago, when I went shopping with my mom. And yeah, that was basically the highlight of the year 2006, and this golden chance only comes once annually. Most of the stuff there are my mom's, as I'm just a little too young for these major fashion labels. But I can't deny that err, some of the stuff there are mine. It has been 2 years and I am still keeping it safe and sound.

I'm so proud of myself.
I'm indeed the best damn thing :D

SYIOK SENDIRI BETULLLLL XD I ciplak from Daniella wut. Yesterday we headed to OU right after college. I finally bought everything at one go, malas lah to pergi balik, so just buy everything saje lahhhh. ~~Errrhhh, those are excuses just to make sound innocent lar. HAHAHHA.~~

That babi took this. Realized that bag is err, quite empty compared to Ella's, but then, who keeps their entire makeup bag, pencil case, and somemore PA CHE (umbrella) inside their handbag lah? Might as well bring a luggage bag. HHAHAHAHAHA. ROFL :p

YES LAH I KNOW I'M VAIN :D I CAN SMELL JEALOUSY FROM YOU LADIES. ESPECIALLY PHYLLIS!!11!! :)

*jumps hysterically*

2008-05-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

And it feels like shit, tonight.

Yes, I'm plagiarizing Daughtry's song. Not exactly, but then, whatever.

Exams are over, and I'm totally elated about it cos its like I'm free from all sufferings but this is just temporary, cos the serious one is on October. Gotta work my ass off.

I thought yesterday was going to be fun, but it turned to be not, and I'm still ranting about it cos I'm oh-so-fuckingly-pissed. I waited for 2 hours for a damn cab, and none came to my aid. Well, there were some, but some didn't want to take me because apparently they were not free. Like, what, are you rushing your grandmother's cousin's greatson's sister in law's grandaunt's twin sister to Singapore? It's like having 400 tons of gold in front of eyes and yet you refuse it and you opted for the 400 tons of grass instead.

Our plans didn't materialize and I was just mad. Mad because I walked 1000kms and sweated like I was in the Zahara desert, looking for a damn cab just to get to that place, and now what, you're telling me that its cancelled?

I thought to myself, heck no, this cannot be happening, I laboured like a bull and I'm not getting rewarded. Don't tell me sorry, cos I know you're not. I thought I could at least have a sip of Tequila, but I ended up rotting at Starbucks.

MERCY, WHY WON'T YOU RELEASE ME?

AH SHUT UP.

Not to mention that there are some acquaintances of mine who happen to be such giler babi(s), annoying me to the edge. Cheeseburgers.

I feel like a mannequin. Whatever it means.

2008-05-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

8 months.

I've not blogged for 8 months. WTF.

Scold me or hit me, I don't mind. Well, of course the latter is a lie. I don't want to be beaten up like a mashed potato.

I got deeper. It wasn't my intention to be in this situation, at all. Day by day, I realised that I'm going deeper and deeper. I've tried countless times to put this to an end, initially I thought that I was over and done with it, but I realised that I stepped much deeper into this situation, subconsciously. I never knew what happened, and since I'm at this stage, I guess its tough to escape from this entire situation.

It all seemed that it happened very abruptly and history seemed to be repeating itself. The whole cycle repeats again, and it becomes a mundanity, where I'm starting to feel a bit sick and tired. I conceal everything, trying not to leave a trace, because I don't want you to figure out the puzzle. But, hey, its impossible to hide everything, because the more you want to hide, the more obvious it becomes. I am certainly not a puzzle for you to solve, and I don't want you to know. Not at all.

I caught myself fixing my eyes on you, checking on you instantly, worried about your welfare, just everything. Rumours about you got me thinking, it gave a tinge of jealousy. I was angry. Angry because you were so committed, and yet I was nothing but a passerby. I was afraid that you are actually sabotaging every effort, and thus, jeopardizing everything. Perhaps you can say that I'm obsessive, and insecure.

I felt glad, for once, when you decided to take a break from, everything. I was perplexed, when you had a mental breakdown, but what could I do? I could only watch helplessly because I didn't want to make it obvious. At the same time, I felt anger burning in me. For once, why can't you just let go everything? Why are you dedicating half of your life to this, when you're not even given credit for what you've done?

And it was merely because, the hardest part wasn't letting go, not taking part.

It is undeniable that you have a special bond with them. You're dedicated, committed and you're going back to the starting point once again. Regret, you regretted taking that path, and after walking for a distance, you can no longer bear it anymore and therefore you run back to your starting point. I think you were being stupid, or perhaps, you're just different from me. You have the chance, you can seize every opportunity in your hands, while I do not.

Because, I simply do not have it within my hands. Mixed feelings, I'm frustrated, angry, helpless, emotionally tired, I feel that you're stupid, I pity you, and I found myself, liking you. Ironically, this is the second time, at the first time, I felt bliss, because I believed that you felt the same way as I did. Chatting about the good times till the wee hours of the morning, sharing our past hurt and regrets, cheering each other up, and being ourselves.

That is a memory to be missed.

I know that the world is always on the move, constantly changing, and I can't just expect things to go my way.

I realize that you've changed as well, perhaps, you're becoming nothing but a stranger to me. Memories are hurtful, I know that, but it feels that I'll never see you again.

Reviving the good memories? I don't dare to speak, or even move, because all has changed, and I am not ready to adapt to this new phase yet.

Maybe I should just leave things alone, simply because I want my memories to be remained that way, all to sweet to be remembered.

it all returns to nothing.

2007-08-19T02:08:00.000-07:00

It has been 5 months since I last blogged. Life has been hectic like hell, and I could hardly spend some time for myself. I have practically no time to relax and unwind from the busy-ness of school life. All in all, life in form 5 just sucks. 3 more months till the SPM and I am here, fidgeting. I seriously do not know how I will fare in my examinations. It's just unpredictable. Well, since the holidays are here already, I shall blog about what happened recently. It's really disheartening when I talk about it. So I shall translate the myriad of feelings into words.

On the 31st of March, you confessed to me. I was rather befuddled, but I decided to give us a chance to start anew. I liked you. You were indifferent. And what I liked most about you was that you were understanding and you were always there to comfort me when I am feeling blue. When I was terribly ill and alone, you drove to my house to take care of me. How could I ever express my gratitude to you? I could never repay my gratefulness to you. You said, "It is okay.. It is my responsibility." I was so greatly moved by that 7 words. Although it was just a simple sentence, it was enough to heal me - physically and emotionally.

Through tough times, you were my confidante. My happy pills. Life was just great then. From misery, you turned misery into pure bliss. I was overwhelmed with emotions, I just didn't know what to say. I love those mushy and cheesy words you ceaselessly whispered into my ears. It was a sweet sound. You did not shower me with gifts and my whims and fancies. You showered me with something much greater than any gifts - love, affection and happiness. That was when my heart told me that you were the one who held the key to my heart. I wanted this to be immortal. I wished that the world would stop revolving around us, time would stop at that split second. Everything would be still and we were the only one dancing and holding each other till the very end.

Our relationship wasn't perfect. We argued often, even about the smallest petty things. We often involve ourself in disputes. We raise our voice, find fault of each other, say hurtful words that pokes sorrows into our souls, and so forth. Sometimes I would call it quits when we quarreled. Tears would swell up in my eyes, and we would agree on going on our own separate ways. Nonetheless, no matter how upset we feel, we never hesitate to apologise to each other and make up afterwards. You would buy me flowers or chocolates to put a smile on my face. To forgive and to forget.

It was such a short period of time, and yet it felt like we have known each other for umpteenth years. People would say it is puppy love, but we felt that our love was growing stronger everyday and nothing could split us apart. And often I would sit down and wonder, why I chose you at the first place. We only started out as childhood friends since year 3, which was 8 years ago. And it seems like we progressed 'so much' this year. I had no regrets about that at all. The experience was worthwhile.

One faithful day, you asked me out. I had no idea what you were going to tell me but my instincts told me that it was something bad was going to happen. You looked typically worried that day. Out of concern, I asked you why, but you refused to tell me. Me, with my outstanding curious attitude, made you spill the beans.

'Dar... I'll be....leaving for Sydney in 3 weeks time'

I was too dumbfounded to say anything. The thought that strucked my mind was, will long distance relationships work?

'When will you come back again?"

'When me and my family settle down in Sydney, then I would probably come back here, but I don't think so'

That broke my heart because I knew that I was on the verge of losing someone whom I really loved. There was no turning back already, and this was a dead end. Long distance relationships never work, even if you're 101% committed. Distance always remain as a problem. We're over 500 miles apart. It would never work no matter how long we persevered.

On the day you left, you gave me a red rose, symbolizing that your love for me is eternal. I faked a smile, and I knew that the rose would somehow wither and die.

I gave you my last hug, whispered my last words and gave you a bottle of 99 stars where I wrote my messages there.

'There are always consequences you have to face on whatever decisions you make. If you choose to open up the stasr, you will get to see the lovely words on it but the stars will not remain as stars anymore. Normal pieces of crumpled paper. '

And as I saw you walking away, that was when I knew it all ended there.

CHEESY RIGHT? Heh. But it really happened to me. Just wanna share by the way.

220307 sucks. World's suckiest day

2007-03-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

Frankly speaking, I am so fucking pissed off right now with Rosalynne. After Physics tuition, she left without a word. She was supposed to fetch me! I called her and this was her fucking reply :

A:Me; R:Rosalynne
A: Hey Ross! Aren't you suppose to fetch me back home as well?
R: Oh really? But now I'm following Yi Hua back
A: *so fucking pissed already* Why didn't you tell me earlier?
R: Oh. Sorry lor then but no choice you have to find your own transport back la

I just slammed the phone because my anger was already burning in me.

Look at her fucking irresponsible attitude! She fetches me back home almost every Thursday, after Physics tuition but today she followed Yi Hua back and she just left without a note to inform me. I am so bloody pissed because I called Mum and she said she was having an appointment with a customer from Singapore in Bangsar and so she asked me to call Bryan to fetch me back. But..... he was having his extra classes till 4pm in Subang Jaya and he can only reach at my teacher's house at approximately 5pm+. I had to wait outside despite the fucking heavy rain. But I don't blame Bryan. He rushed to fetch me and I really appreciate that.

Honestly, I just hate the way Ross reacted to me. Why can't she just be less blur and more responsible in whatever she does? It's so fucking annoying I tell you. So what her mom does me a favour of fetching me back home after tuition (only on Thursdays)? It's just a day and her mom was the one who volunteered to fetch me. I did not request and she told me that she can fetch me home every Thursday and therefore, I don't need to worry about my transportation. Ross acted like she has done nothing wrong. I was so pissed.. And I didn't want to answer her back at that moment because I sorta feel indebted to her mom so I'm not doing anything to her.

Sigh. What a day to end with - a fucking irresponsible person who abandoned me and made me drenched in rain.

One thought, thousand words

2007-03-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

I came up with this blog not just because for the sake of publicity, but rather for the sake of voicing my stories instead. Here I am, typing some kind of weird things into my cynical blog. What am I suppose to do actually? Life's pretty hectic actually, despite being in the stupid Science Stream. And my life's getting worse because of SPM which is a major examination which I am sitting for this year. Stupid it may seem, but it means the whole world to me! Fail my SPM.. and I would be so dead! I don't want to have dire results! My parents would most probably chop me into 500 pieces if I were to fail a single subject. And of course, I do not want it to happen. Striving real hard to cope, though it may seem impossible, but I really do hope that my efforts would pay off later. Having an elder sibling totally sucks. Mainly because my parents compare me with Bryan with almost everything. Studies, attitude wise and also character wise. I'm not Bryan, I have my own personality, but my parents are like 'moulding' me to be someone like my brother - which I do not want to obviously! I want to be me. I don't want to be someone else! And some of you may say that you get hand-me-downs if you have an elder sibling but thank God, this doesn't apply to me. I don't know why and of course, I'm pretty thankful cause I don't like to wear other people's stuffs. It feels... uncomfortable.

Talking about school. My school is infested with people from all walks of life. You name it - bitchy ones, nerdy ones, arrogant ones and the list goes on and on. I wished I was in the same school with my primary school friend. I told my mom about it, but she doesn't seem to take heed of what I'm trying to say. I came from a Chinese primary government school, which is widely known was SKJC Chung Kwok. (which is the same as my cousin brother, Joel who is currently studying in Sri KL) Sooner or later, all good things must come to an end. We were going on our own separate ways. Joel went to SMK Kepong Baru (he was transferred to Sri KL soon because of distance problems), Katherina, Shu Qian, Jian Wei, Elizabeth, Kar Weng, Lik Kai and Yi Sheng went to a secondary school in Seafield while Wan Yin and May Zi went to a school in somewhere in USJ. It's a suprise to know that they came from different parts of KL. And me......? I went to a Sri Cempaka. Alone. I was depressed at first, because I had nobody to accompany me and I couldn't get used to the new environment. But after a couple of months, I made some new friends in my class and that eased my loneliness a bit, although I still miss me CK friends badly. So.. I've been in this school for 4 golden years and I still do miss my CK friends. We still meet each other, but only once in a blue moon because we are all busy with our own activities and classes. But I'm thankful that I still have some crazy friends in this school. They're nice people!

There are some bad things too, unfortunately. Some people are often green of envy. I do not know what and why would they do such things. But, some girls do pretend to be friends with me first, then, they start to backstab me and they start bitching about me to the whole word. Gossips... never ends. I guess that's my life. But I don't care. It's my life and it's up to them to do whatever they want as long they don't hurt my friends and my loved ones. I trust them. And I love them deeply. Wherever you go, there will be always people who are unhappy with your actions. But nevermind. Life's like that. I just want to enjoy my high school life. They can go around telling lies about me, but I will not do anything to them. I couldn't care much. My reputation is important, but my studies are more important because it decides the way I take in the future. And I don't want it to be ruined and I do not want to be bothered by those crappy incidents. I can't stop it from happening. So.. I should just leave those things aside and concentrate more on my studies.

Last year, during open day, Mrs Lim told my parents saying that I fared poorly in my exams. I knew it, and I admit it. Why? Because I played throughout the year. I did not even bother about my studies. What I did in school was just lazing around during lessons, finding a chance to skip classes and I wouldn't even bother to complete my homework and assignments. I would just copy my friend's answers. Hehe. I know I still do that. =P Can't help it. Ok, back to my exams. I just.. sat for the exams. And.. flunked it. My results were really awful. I got a B3 for BM (holy crap, it was so damn near to an A. Just a couple more marks! So close!). I got A1 for English, thankfully. I got A2 for Mathematics, but yet my teacher wasn't really satisfied with it cos she expected me to score an A1. I got a C5 for Additional Mathematics. It was fricking hard, well, cause I didn't study. I should be grateful that I did not fail. And an A2 for Chemistry (Phewwww. Thank God. Or esle Mrs Kavita would slit my neck). And I got B3(s) for Physics, Moral and Biology. Not bad, but my teacher and parents aren't happy about it. And I got a C5 for my History cause I was totally blank about the essay question. And EST? Thankfully, I got an A1. So, in total I got 2 A1(s), 2 A2(s), 4 B3(s) and 2 C5(s). If this is the results for my SPM, I would have gone crazy already. And of course, my parents started nagging when they got my report book. 'Why can't you just focus on your studies instead of sticking to the computer all day long?' and 'You'd better work hard for your SPM or your computer and handphone will be confiscated." Saddening, yeah. Well, I hope my SPM results would be a straight A1(s)! Touch wood! I don't want history to happen again! It's bitter...!

Recently my brother Bryan had a cocktail-cum-birthday party at the pool side at the backyard of our house. He invited like, uh, the whole world to our house. His college mates, school friends and cousins were invited. They blasted the amplifier to the loudest. It was so fricking annoying I tell you. Yeah, I can't stand noise. And one thing, I couldn't stand those stupid people without common sense who littered everywhere. Look, I hate people who litter. I can't stand their stupid slefish act. Why is it so hard to throw the rubbish into a rubbish bin which is provided at every angle? Even if you are lazy, this is not your house, it is ours and you should know your manners, right? Throw the rubbish in the bin, please! Even kids know what to do. I was so fricking annoyed because it's like 75% of his friends littered everywhere. I could see rubbish everywhere on the grass, near the poolside and even at the small little pondok. I told Bryan about it but he didn't even cared about it. He just told me to just leave things alone as this is his party and not mine. Like, what? Yeah, it's your party but it's our school Which is yours + mine. I am particular about cleanliness! Is it so hard to speak up and tell your friends not to litter? It will not offend your friends lah. Come on. And I tell you, my dad spent a fortune on Bryan's 19th birthday because I could see so many boxes of bottles of wines and cocktails in the wine room which has a rather lame sign 'ONLY FOR BRYAN'S PARTY. DO NOT TAKE IT WITHOUT PERMISSION'. And dad bought a new electric guitar for Bryan. I bought (more like forced =P) a Giorgio Armani perfume for him! He wanted that, so yeah, I granted his wish. Look Bryan, I love you ya know? I even bought your favourite perfume. I'm such a good sister so be good to me. Mum bought a VAIO laptop for him, a black one. WOOOOTS~ Aaron bought a Swatch watch for him. Bryan is is soooooo fricking lucky! Nevermind. My time will come soon. Huahua~

Wow, I think I typed a 10000 words already. I better go finish my homework first before mum turns on her nagging machine =P. So bye earthlings!