i just hate the way he talks, thinking that just because he's the head he can give all sorts of stupid shit comments which i really don't want to hear. coupled with some fucking comments from her, it all equals to shitty words and baseless conversations that i refuse to acknowledge and hear. both of them are such pretentious people, they diss me off when i curse or spill a word of profanity, yet they use it all the time in front of me. of course, who wouldn't retaliate in such situations? you're telling me its wrong to curse, yet you go around cursing too. doesn't that make you a hypocrite?
fuck all this shit that i've been facing for the entire 18 years of my life. i know i should count my blessings and i am not completely heartless because i do feel grateful for some little things. although i tell them that it's okay, deep down in my heart i'm playing the blame game. all along i've been saying that it's fine but i do secretly blame you for what has happened. being in such fucked up situations, i know that you are taking the most painful pinch; so do i. you say you are trying hard, but i don't see any efforts at all. you're still unable to provide a decent life for me. yes, call me spoilt brat or whatever shit. throughout the years i had a pretty decent life. and all because of your greed, your stupidity, all of us had to suffer this shit. i never once intended to be like this. you go around being a good Samaritan for stupid people who lie and cheat. even if it is beyond your capabilities, you would still do it for them.
but, have you ever done such things for us?
no. i have never seen. right now i'm going through one of the hardest times in my life and i hate to admit it. i feel very jealous in front of my friends who are born with the silver spoon in their mouth. they do not need to work for anything, yet they get the things they desire right in front of their eyes. sometimes i may be blinded by the materials in the world. yet, i have to slough like hell to just have a decent life where everything is just enough, meaning, my studies are secured, my finance's secured. enough to feed me for the day and i'm grateful. but right now, everything's at stake. i know i'm losing this every bit by bit. i hate the way how people would mock me for my actions.
if i could just run off to someplace where nobody knew me, i would certainly go right away. i'll grab my clothes, money, stuff into my luggage bag, take my iPod and laptop, IC and passport and run straight away. i would take my mobile phone along with a new number. i refuse to have any contact with them. i want to live in solitude. i want to live in a community where i am new, although i may not adapt to it. well at least i get to be on my own, without having people to bug me for just every single thing. if only i was that independent and capable. i know that this will be a figment of an unrealized dream.
i hate the way i live right now. and whatever i see invokes jealousy inside of me, and in the end i'll always be the one on the suffering end. i shield myself from this, yet they say i'm being narrow minded and stupid for not opening up my mind. so, am i being stupid to prevent myself from being hurt? it is worthwhile to open up my mind knowing that i'll suffer the most in the end? they don't know the answers. i do.
i know i'll be labelled as a black sheep no matter what circumstances. if i'm wrong, then let me be, because i don't know what kind of other ways that i can take to be right and happy at the same time.
let it out. let it all out.
