I know he feels more for her rather than me. I'm different from her. Somehow it puzzles me, because we claim that there's purely nothing between us, but I refuse to believe it. I felt the slightest spark of attraction between us. Was it me, only? I could feel that you felt it, too.

Was it my imagination? Maybe it was. I cannot comprehend it. I could only watch you from afar, pretending to be ignorant about you. We were so close back then, but now, we're merely strangers. Nothing more than that. I don't want you to hear my voice. I want to stay unheard, because I've had enough of uncertainties.

I think I gave in more than you did. You said you treated me like a sister, while I gave in more than I ever expected. I gave you a whole lot more love, but in the end, it never returned back. Time's running out.. I don't have much time left because we are parting for our own ways very soon.

I really hoped that we could be more than what we are right now. We don't have time. I have uncertainties running in my head, and I'm torn between decisions and my rationality. I hated that fact that I gave in more than you did.

Maybe you have moved on, and I'm still stuck at my same spot. I refuse to move on because I kept the faith and continued to believe that we could work everything out. But.. days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. And months turned to years. So much of things had changed, and I began to realize that I'm pursuing something absurd.. something frivolous.

It all seemed that I was actually living a lie all these while. Living in denial, in this case of one-sided.. infatuation.

I kept believing.. and that actually ruined a part of me.

Now, I have no choice but to pick up the bits and pieces of something that has broken. Something that seemed so insignificant.

I don't want to drown myself in tears, or alcohol. I don't want to do this anymore. Everytime I walk out of the door, I screech to a halt, because I want to look back.

But I have to let go...

Why is my sight flooded with stupid annoying people? I hop on blogs and so happen I stumbled on journals which are such a bore with no substance. Yeah, stupid blogs with people telling the world that they're dying and also people they hate with all those ridiculous stories and lies. I find it absolutely absurd lah. I mean, yeah, I agree that blogging is the best way to pour out your feelings, but you don't have to go to an extend where you need to tell the whole world who you hate and what made you hate him/her. Thats.. immature and revolting at the same time. But yeah, I don't owe the internet so they too have their own rights of speaking their heart out, but sometimes these childish acts are such an eye-sore, and you can't help but roll your eyes and exclaim 'This is just..another blog after all." Nothing much of a deal, anyway.

Lack up updates, again. BLAME IT ON MY LACKADAISICAL ATTITUDE DAMN IT. I keep saving drafts but in the end I post nothing. And this time, I managed to post something, at least. Woohooo PEWIITTT. Sigh.. shopping pangs strike again. It's not good. It ain't doing good to me! Greed..greed.. and GREED!!!! I bought a top from MNG and short pants from Padini but where got enough?!?!

OMG. I totally cannot tahan lah plastic girls getting all kinky in shopping malls. What a sight. Pagi-pagi pun dah nampak benda macam nih. So I blast my ipod on with Trance music. Not techno lah, I benci techno. Got difference one eh. I kind of miss going clubbing lah. With Amanda, Rene, Daniella, Alia.

I really need a break lo. Finals are bothering me until I wanna jump off the building. It was one month ago where I had a vacation in London. And now, I'm back to college, catching up with my studies cos I really want to pass my finals lah. If possible I wanna visit some islands at the end of this year. Tak tau larr whether this plan can be materialized or not.

This post pretty much sums up my heart's contents. Blaaaa.

I don't know why, but I constantly feel that I'm living a lie.

I need an explanation.