it is a saturday and i am freaking out. i'm so stressed up to an extent that i've been blaming myself so much for every mistake i do. this feeling seriously sucks. i do hope there'll be a miracle, but i have to trust myself first. but there's absolutely no way i can do that. i'm just being realistic.

i'm scared :( why can't i be someone who i wished i was? no matter how many times i try to comfort myself, it is still the same. i end up being more unhappy with myself! sigh! it was only yesterday that i felt a slight tinge of relief but today everything was just topsy-turvy. i don't know how to deal with this situation. i really don't know how to deal with myself. i want to stop doubting but my principle of being realistic contradicts with it. if i don't trust myself, i know, i'll never be someone who i aspire to be. i'll be stuck with my old self forever. yet, i don't want to trust myself so much for fear that i'll fail again and my goals will all go to waste. to put it into simpler terms, i'm being realistic to protect myself from all the hurt and disappointment. there's always a risk for each decision. i really don't know what i should do.

i want to stop doubting! because that is the root of misery. and i'm currently feeling likewise. what am i to do? time's running out and i'm feeling so.. messed up. too much of complications. and what not.

right now, i'm feeling so angry of myself because of the fact that i'm always unable to deliver. the fact that i'm always so fragile and prone to so much of carelessness. i'm so careless all the time and every single mistake i make snowballs into a huge ball of problems that would hit me straight in the face. i'm pathetic cause i sound like i inflict this on my own. i can't control it :(

sigh.

help me to clear off such thoughts because it poisons me every time when i think of it:( why can't i be less of me, and more of you?

:(((((((((